beautiful boy
Chapter 1 | Podfic
Levi held tightly to his son’s hand as they walked towards the school building. It was his first day of school ever, a big day for the three-year-old. He was giggling and looking around excitedly, Erwin following closely behind holding the boy’s backpack. Their daughter Olivia was in kindergarten, five turning six in January, and they’d dropped her off at her classroom prior to taking their son Liam to 3K. “Are you excited?” Levi asked when they got into the building, smiling down at the little dark-haired boy and watching him practically bouncing with each step. “Yeah!” He squealed, his little hand clinging to Levi’s. He was breathing fast, probably from the excitement of it all, and the three of them stopped in front of Liam’s classroom. When they’d brought Olivia to school for the first time, she had cried and cried and wouldn’t let Erwin and Levi leave - it took a lot of coaxing to finally get her in the classroom and playing with the other kids. But Liam didn’t seem nervous or scared like Liv had, and he was staring wide-eyed into the classroom at all the toys they had and all the kids who’d already been dropped off. Levi got down on his knees and fixed Liam’s hair before helping him take his jacket off. Erwin hung the jacket and the backpack on the hook outside of the room that said Liam’s name above it, and waited for his turn to say goodbye to their son. “You promise dada that you’ll be on your best behavior okay?” Levi held the boy’s face in his hands before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “And remember that Papa and I love you very much, okay? We’ll be here in a few hours to come pick you up.” Liam nodded, but he wasn’t really listening all that well. He was squirming in Levi’s hold, eager to go into the classroom and start having fun with his classmates. Levi affectionately ruffled his hair, feeling the excitement of his son’s first day but also the regret of having to leave him there. He was going to miss his son. Levi worked from home, so he spent a lot of the day with Liam prior to this, while Erwin and Olivia were off at work and school. Now that Liam was starting school, he would be at the house alone a lot more. Levi moved aside so Erwin could kneel down and say goodbye to their son. Erwin hugged him, Liam giggling and wriggling in Erwin’s arms. He was trying to peer over Erwin’s shoulder at the other kids that were busy playing inside the classroom. “You have fun, baby,” Erwin murmured, kissing the top of his head. “We’ll be back before you know it.” “Okay Papa,” Liam replied as they pulled away from one another. He went to run into the classroom before pausing and turning to wave at his fathers. The two smiled and waved back at him, watching him rush off to make friends. Erwin stood up and the parents watched their son run up to the first kid he saw, a little girl with pigtails. He introduced himself and asked her what she was playing with. Levi smiled fondly at their son, pride swelling in his chest. Erwin took Levi’s hand and squeezed it gently, sharing that prideful feeling with his husband. Erwin began to lead him away, and Levi tore his gaze away from their son as they headed back to the car. Levi was feeling nervous all of a sudden. What if… What if Liam didn’t like it there? What if he started crying once he realized his parents had left? What if he didn’t get along with the other kids? Levi’s breathing picked up as they walked out of the building. He wanted to turn around and run back to the classroom, pick up their son and take him back home with him. But he knew he had to leave. He had to let go of Liam, which was more terrifying than anything. His little boy was growing up. “Papa!” Olivia ran into the living room on a Saturday a few weeks later, her little bare feet pattering on the wooden floor. “Dada!” The two adults looked up from what they were doing - Levi on his phone and Erwin reading a book. Olivia was pouting with her arms crossed over her chest, and soon there was more pitter-patter of feet and Liam joined her, sticking out his tongue at her before rushing into Levi’s arms. “Liam won’t let me have a turn with the race car!” Olivia tattled as she glared at her brother, who was whimpering and snuggling into Levi’s arms like a kicked puppy. “Liam, baby,” Levi held the boy, rubbing his back soothingly. “You have to let your sister have a turn too, okay?” “She took it from me!” Liam protested with a whine. “I was playing with it!” Levi looked over to Erwin, who sighed a little and put down his book, “Liv, is that true? Did you snatch Liam’s toy?” Olivia frowned, “He wouldn’t let me have a turn!” “You still don’t snatch toys, okay?” Erwin explained calmly. “If he won’t give you a turn you come tell us. And Liam, you need to take turns with Liv, okay?” Liam burrowed his face into Levi’s chest, nodding his head a little. Olivia nodded at Erwin’s words and ran off to play with the race car while Liam cuddled with Levi, who held him close and pressed kisses to his forehead, rocking him gently. “Dada,” Liam whispered, his hands holding onto his stomach. “My tummy hurts.” “Your tummy hurts, baby?” Levi rubbed his back and sat him on his knee. “Are you hungry?” Liam shook his head, “Nah uh. I’m not hungy.” Levi frowned. They had just had lunch. Maybe the peanut butter and jelly sandwich wasn’t sitting right in his stomach. Erwin had gone back to reading, and Levi pressed the back of his hand to Liam’s forehead. No fever, he thought, trying to figure out what was wrong with the poor boy. “Well, let’s drink some water and take a little rest, okay? You want Dada to give you snuggles?” Levi asked the toddler. Liam nodded, a small smile appearing on his face at the suggestion. He was a sweet little boy, and he loved cuddling his parents. He was especially close with Levi, a Dada’s boy. Liv, on the other hand, was a Papa’s girl. She loved Erwin from the day she was born. Levi set the boy on the couch and went to get him some water. As he poured the water into the cup, he heard a gagging noise, and immediately whipped around to see Liam standing up next to the couch, mouth open and holding his stomach. Erwin had also heard the noise and became a little alarmed, putting his book down and kneeling next to Liam to figure out what was wrong. The little boy had never thrown up (outside of when he was a baby), so he looked confused as to what was happening as he gagged and coughed again. “Papa,” Liam whimpered, tears flooding to his eyes. “Papa, I’m scared.” “Shh,” Erwin rubbed his back gently. “You’re gonna throw up, baby, okay? You remember when Liv had the flu and she threw up in the toilet? That’s all it is, honey. You’ll be okay.” Levi was rushing over with a trash bag for the boy to throw up in, and he was just in time as the boy retched into the plastic bag, sobbing and hiccuping as the feeling was probably unfamiliar and frightening for him. Erwin continued to rub his back while Levi held the bag, and soon Olivia was running back into the room to find out what the commotion was. “Ew!” She gasped and held her nose from the smell. “Liv, sweetheart,” Erwin sighed. “Go wait in the other room, honey. Your brother’s feeling sick, that’s all.” Olivia quickly ran out of the room, not liking the smell or the sight of her brother being so sick. For such a little boy, he sure puked a lot. The poor boy was crying, fat tears rolling down his face as he continued to throw up into the garbage bag until he was dry heaving. Levi’s heart ached for his son - he didn’t like to witness him in pain like this. Finally, after what felt like ages, Liam was done puking, and Erwin grabbed some wipes to clean his face. Levi tied up the garbage bag and set it by the door to take out to the trash bin. He was going to take it out when he heard Liam running after him, tearful and sobbing as he clung to Levi’s leg. Levi smiled down at him sadly before lifting him and hugging him close. “Oh baby,” Levi sighed, gently bouncing him. “It’s okay, sweetie.” “Dada,” Liam cried, clinging to Levi’s shirt. “Dada… don’t go!” “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Levi reassured him. “I’m right here.” Erwin went to take out the garbage for Levi, seeing as he was now preoccupied comforting their son. He shushed and cooed at their toddler, rocking him gently and taking him upstairs to brush his teeth. He couldn’t imagine the taste of vomit was very pleasant in the boy’s mouth, so brushing his teeth might help him feel better. Liam was whimpering and sniffling, starting to calm down when Levi set him on the bathroom counter and began to get the toothpaste and his toothbrush. He put some toothpaste on the brush and Liam opened his mouth, allowing Levi to clean his teeth, gums, and tongue of the icky taste. The boy leaned over and spit into the sink when they were done, muttering a quiet, “Thank you,” to his father. Levi washed off the toothbrush and put it back before carrying Liam to the bedroom and laying him on the mattress. He climbed in next to him and put on the TV for them to watch while Liam snuggled up to Levi’s chest. He heard the soft sound of footsteps coming up the stairs, and Olivia and Erwin appeared in the doorway holding hands, Erwin carrying water in a sippy cup for Liam. They paused in the doorway and Erwin handed the water to Liv, who walked over to the bed and handed it to her brother. “Are you okay?” Olivia asked, taking the little boy’s face into her hands. As much as the two fought over toys, Olivia adored her little brother. She would try to mother him from time-to-time, especially when he was a baby. She’d always insisted she wanted to feed him his bottle and help change his diapers, even though she had only been about three or four years old at the time. “I’m otay…” Liam mumbled, taking a sip of water once she let go of his face. “You threw up?” Olivia asked, and Levi was brushing Liam’s hair out of his face as he sipped on the water. “Uh huh,” Liam replied. “I frew up so much.” “It’s okay,” Olivia smiled, pressing a smooch to his cheek to soothe him. “I thrown up before too… member when I had the flu?” Liam nodded, taking the sippy cup out of his mouth to mutter, “You frew up lots.” Erwin sat down on the edge of the bed and took one of Liam’s little hands into his own, kissing the back of his hand, “How are you feeling, sweetie?” “I’m otay,” Liam repeated. “I feel better.” “I’m glad,” Erwin smiled before leaning over to kiss his forehead. “Are you and Dada gonna cuddle and watch some TV?” Liam nodded, eyes already looking past Erwin and trained on the television screen. Levi had his arm around the little boy, holding him close and giving him loving nuzzles and kisses whenever he could. He loved both of his children so much, but he especially felt that love for them when one of them was sick - it brought out his parenting instincts. “I wanna cuddle too Papa!” Olivia held her arms out to Erwin, who chuckled and pulled her into his arms. He climbed into the king-sized bed with Levi and Liam, snuggling up behind Levi with Olivia smushed comfortably between them. Levi glanced over his shoulder to share a loving smile and a quick peck with his husband. “Ick,” Liv made a face, pushing Levi’s face away from Erwin’s. “No kisses.” Levi laughed softly, “Okay, baby. Okay.” He turned around to find Liam already knocking out, hugging onto Levi as his eyes fluttered closed. Soon, both the kids were passed out, and Levi could feel himself getting drowsy as well. He looked over his shoulder to see that Erwin had fallen asleep too, and couldn’t help his small grin as he turned back around and closed his eyes, happy to have this sweet little family moment. Levi awoke to the sound of children giggling, and opened his eyes to see what mischief his kids might be up to. He turned over to see them harassing Erwin, who was pretending to be asleep still by snoring obnoxiously. Olivia took Erwin’s hand and put it on his butt, both the kids laughing hysterically at this action. Liam took Erwin’s other hand and stuck his finger in his nose, and the two were practically rolling with laughter. “Are you two bothering your poor sleeping Papa?” Levi asked in a mocking tone. The two laughed harder at being caught, and soon were squealing with surprise when Erwin sat up and pulled them into his arms, hugging them tightly so they couldn’t get away. Levi watched Erwin shift so that both the kids were in one arm, and he gasped when Erwin pulled him into a bear hug as well. “Hey!” Levi exclaimed. “Let me go!” “But honey, I love you so much!” Erwin teased. “I just can’t imagine possibly letting you go!” The children were giggling and squirming in Erwin’s hold, Olivia crying out, “Papa! Let go, Papa!” “Let go, let go!” Liam chimed in. Erwin suddenly let them all go, the children tumbling onto the bed and laughing happily. Levi rolled his eyes as he pulled away from Erwin, who pressed a kiss to his cheek and whispered, “I’ll get you later, don’t worry.” Levi could feel himself blushing a little at that and shooed Erwin’s face away, mumbling, “Not in front of the kids.” Liam and Olivia hadn’t noticed, though. They were running around the bedroom now, chasing one another. Then they were running out of the bedroom and down the hall to play hide and seek. Levi looked after them fondly before turning to Erwin, who was leaning in to share a quick kiss with his husband. Levi sighed happily, kissing back and gripping Erwin’s shirt in his hands. He pulled away only to rest their foreheads against one another, sighing contently. He loved his husband so dearly. And they had built such a beautiful family together. “I love you,” Levi whispered against Erwin’s lips. “I love you too, sweetheart,” Erwin murmured back before pressing his lips against Levi’s again. “You wanna go wrangle the little monsters and figure out what they want for dinner?” Levi teased with a smile. But before Erwin could even answer, Olivia appeared in the doorway, a confused and slightly worried look on her face. Levi could feel his heart beating faster, as he instantly sensed that something was off. “Dada… Papa… Liam won’t wake up!” Olivia whimpered as she pointed out into the hallway. Levi was glued to the spot in some confusion and shock for a moment, wondering what she meant by that, but Erwin immediately jumped to his feet and rushed out of the bedroom to find out what was wrong. Levi forced himself out of bed and after Erwin and Olivia, though his legs felt like lead for some reason. He knew whatever was going on wasn’t good, especially when Erwin gasped in some surprise when he laid eyes upon the boy. Levi couldn’t see around Erwin’s large form, but when Erwin picked up their son and the two came into view, the boy was completely limp and unconscious in his father’s arms. Levi’s heart beat faster as he ran over to help Erwin figure out what was wrong. “Liam,” Erwin was calling the boy’s name, trying to wake him as he shook him, more and more frantic with each passing moment. “Liam. Wake up, baby. Open your eyes, come on.” Levi saw the boy’s eyes open slightly before rolling back in his head, and he turned to Olivia, “Get my phone, Liv. It’s in the bedroom.” Olivia was staring at her brother in Erwin’s arms, looking scared, “But… But what about Li-” “Go,” Levi ordered, probably a lot harsher than he had intended. He was just so alarmed, and Olivia ran into the bedroom without another word to grab his phone. “Is he breathing?” Levi asked worriedly as Erwin started to set the toddler on the floor to better examine him. “Faintly,” Erwin replied, opening Liam’s mouth and scooping his fingers inside. “I think he’s choking or something. He can’t get air in properly.” Olivia came running back with Levi’s cell phone, holding it out to him. He took it from her without even the thought to thank her - he was just so concerned with whatever was going on with Liam that he had no thoughts other than getting his son help. He hadn’t even noticed that Olivia had started crying as he dialed 911. Liam’s eyes opened again, his breath raspy and low as he looked between the three of them with desperation, as though he was begging them to help him. Levi couldn’t stand it. He kneeled next to Liam and ran his fingers through the boy’s hair as Erwin tried breathing into his mouth to get some air into his lungs. “Hello, 911. What is your emergency?” The dispatcher answered. “Our son,” Levi managed to get out. “He… He’s not breathing right. He went unconscious and… and…” Erwin pulled away and tried to listen for breathing, and they watched as Liam’s eyes rolled back and his body began to convulse - limbs twitching as a seizure overtook him. Erwin cupped his head gently so he wouldn’t hit it against the floor. Neither of them really knew how to help their son in this situation, but both were surprisingly calm in a stressful time like this one. Olivia, on the other hand, was freaking out. Levi wasn’t paying her much attention, but he could hear her in the background of everything that was going on. “Don’t die, Liam!” She sobbed. “Breathe Liam, breathe!” “Alright, sir,” the dispatcher continued. “And what’s your address?” “It’s 3110 E Worcester Ave.,” Levi spoke quickly. “Shh,” Erwin was cooing at Liam, not knowing what else to do. “Shh, baby. We’re getting you help, okay? Just hold on, sweetheart. Can you do that for me? Just hold on.” “The paramedics are on their way,” the dispatcher informed him. “Do you know how to give your son CPR?” “Y-Yes, but…” Levi whimpered. “He’s having a seizure or something.” “Then just wait it out,” the dispatcher continued. “Don’t put anything in his mouth and wait out the seizure, okay? The paramedics will be there soon. They’re only a couple of blocks away.” Levi could faintly hear the sirens in the background over Olivia’s crying. Liam finally stopped convulsing and went unconscious again, and Erwin looked over at Levi to exchange a terrified look with him. They’d always been able to give their children whatever they needed to keep them happy and alive, but now they both felt completely helpless. Levi could feel the tears in the back of his eyes, and swallowed thickly to try and remain calm for their daughter, who was already a mess without her fathers breaking down as well. Levi ran downstairs when he heard the sirens outside and saw the flashing lights of the ambulance out the window. It was like everything he was doing was in slow motion - he wasn’t even registering his actions as he did them without second thought. He let the paramedics inside and rushed upstairs after them, watching Erwin move out of the way so they could begin work on Liam. Erwin picked up Olivia, who was practically wailing as she buried her face into Erwin’s shoulder, and began to bounce her wordlessly in his arms, holding her tight as the two of them watched the medics try to revive their son. Thankfully, after putting a breathing machine on him, his eyes were beginning to flutter open again. Levi breathed a sigh of relief, standing frozen next to Erwin and Olivia as they placed his son on a stretcher and strapped him in. “We have to take him to the hospital,” one of the paramedics explained. “We need one of the child’s guardians to come with.” Levi and Erwin looked at one another for a moment, and Erwin was the first to speak, “You go, Levi. I can look after Liv. You go… he’ll want to see your face when he’s feeling better.” Levi choked back a sob and nodded, grabbing Erwin’s face and sharing a quick but deep kiss with him. Even though Olivia was still crying, he rubbed her back and kissed her forehead, taking her face into his hands. He felt bad for neglecting her in that moment, but the two parents had been so focused on Liam’s well-being that it had been difficult to pay attention to Olivia’s emotions. “Your brother’s gonna be okay, baby,” Levi whispered, wiping away at her tears. “I’m gonna go with him. I won’t let anything bad happen to him, I promise.” Levi knew he couldn’t keep a promise like that. But the words seemed to calm Olivia a little, and she nodded and clung to Erwin, “O-Ok-kay, D-Dad-da.” He offered her a sad smile before following the paramedics down the stairs and out to the ambulance as they wheeled Liam into the back of the vehicle. Levi was in sweatpants and a t-shirt, not dressed at all to be going out, but he wasn’t thinking of that at a time like this. He climbed into the ambulance and sat down. Liam was a little more awake now, looking around in a haze as he tried to gauge what was going on with him. He looked scared. Levi took his little hand into his own and squeezed it gently to get his attention. Liam caught his father’s eyes, and instantly calmed at the sight of him. “It’s okay, baby,” Levi murmured. “You’re just sick, honey. The doctors are going to make you feel better, okay? And I’m going to be right here for you.” Liam had the breathing mask over his face, his arms strapped to the stretcher, and he looked like he might cry. It was probably frightening to be only three years old and have all this commotion happening around you. He probably didn’t fully understand what was going on. The ambulance began to drive to the hospital, and the paramedics continued to check Liam’s vitals and hook him up to various machines as they drove. Liam was being a good little patient, despite probably being very scared. Levi was proud of him. “You’re being so good, baby,” Levi ran his fingers through Liam’s dark hair, still holding one of his hands. “You just let the doctors take good care of you, okay?” Liam nodded ever so slightly, eyes wide as he watched the paramedics take care of him. He looked so frightened, and all Levi wanted to do was unstrap him from the stretcher, tear the mask off his face and hug him close, comfort him. But he knew that wouldn’t help anything, so he tried to remain as calm as he could while they drove to the hospital. Once they got there, Levi followed as they wheeled the stretcher into the ER, taking him into one of the rooms and transferring the little boy onto a hospital bed after changing him into a hospital gown. The bed looked so big compared to his little body, and Levi could feel his heart aching. He couldn’t imagine how fearful his son probably was - his poor baby. “Dada,” was the first thing that came out of his mouth when the breathing mask was taken off, and Liam stared up at Levi with nervous and tearful eyes. “Shh,” Levi soothed, holding his son’s hand again and brushing his fingers through his hair. “Shh, baby. Don’t cry. You have to be brave for me, okay? Dada’s right here. I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.” Liam nodded, sniffling and holding back tears as a couple of nurses entered the room to start taking his vitals again. He immediately went to cling to Levi’s arm, staring up at his father with clear panic at the instruments they were bringing into the room. Levi didn’t blame him - he didn’t like going to the doctor or the hospital either, so he was sure his toddler was going through a lot of anxiety and fear at the moment. “Shh,” Levi cooed. “They’re just going to check how you’re feeling, baby. You remember when you and Liv play doctor together? It’s just like that! They’re going to take your temperature… and your blood pressure, and make sure everything’s working just right.” Liam sniffled, and the one nurse smiled sweetly at the child, “Your dad’s right, sweetheart! We’re just here to make sure your body is doing its job, okay? And if anything’s wrong, the doctor is going to fix it right up!” Liam was holding tightly to Levi’s hand, but he nodded shyly at the nurse, not tensing up anymore when she came closer. She held out a thermometer and put it into his mouth to take his temperature, explaining what she was doing with each step. Levi really appreciated the effort the two nurses were putting into caring for his son - they clearly didn’t want to upset the already-frightened little boy. “Okay next we need to measure your oxygen levels,” the nurse explained. “It goes on your finger! It doesn’t hurt - it just squeezes a little!” Liam cautiously held out his finger, and the nurse clipped the device on. The three-year-old released a sigh of relief, “Oh. It doesn’t hurt at all!” Levi smiled and rubbed his back, “Good job, baby. You’re doing so well!” “And now we’re going to put this on your arm,” the second nurse explained as she took the blood pressure cuff and began to strap it around his bicep while the first nurse took the device off his finger. “And it’s going to measure your blood pressure!” Liam probably didn’t know what a blood pressure was, but he was staring curiously down at the cuff on his arm. Levi knew it wouldn’t hurt, but it was definitely uncomfortable to have that thing squeezing your arm, so he held onto Liam’s free hand and stroked his thumb over the boy’s skin gently to soothe him while the nurses turned on the machine. “It feels funny, doesn’t it?” Levi asked as Liam made an uncomfortable face at the machine squeezing his arm. “It makes your heart beat super fast.” “Yeah!” Liam agreed, squirming a little. “I don’t like it, Dada.” “I know, baby,” Levi murmured. “But you’re doing such a good job, honey. They’ll take it off soon.” The nurses measured his blood pressure and took the cuff off soon enough. Liam breathed out as though he’d been holding his breath that entire time, and touched his arm where the the armband had squeezed so tightly. “What’s your name, sweetie?” The first nurse asked as she prepared an IV bag. Levi knew that putting an IV in his toddler’s arm wasn’t going to go over well, and he began stroking Liam’s arm with his other hand to keep him relaxed. Liam couldn’t really see the needles on the tray from his vantage point, and he probably wouldn’t know what they were for anyway. “Liam,” the boy smiled shyly. “What’s your name?” “My name is Patty and this is Tori,” the nurse smiled back, turning over the arm that was closest to her and starting to wipe down where she would put the needle in with an alcohol wipe. “How old are you, Liam?” “I’m dis many,” Liam put up three fingers proudly. “Wow!” the second nurse, Tori, exclaimed as she readied the needle. “You’re such a big boy!” Liam locked eyes with the needle and immediately became nervous, turning to look at Levi and whimpering, “Dada…” “You are a big boy,” Levi pushed some hair out of his son’s face, trying to keep him distracted. “Aren’t you, Liam?” Liam nodded slowly, turning back to stare at the needle. The first nurse held his arm in place and Levi kept his hand on Liam’s other arm in case he were to start squirming. The second nurse walked over with the needle. “You’re just gonna feel a little poke,” Nurse Patty explained calmly. “We’re hooking you up to an IV bag. It’s going to give you all the medicine and fluids your body needs while you stay here! You hold tight to your daddy’s hand, okay? We’ll count to three and then we’ll do it. Can you count to three?” Liam’s eyes were filling with tears, his chest heaving with desperate breaths as he turned to look at Levi again, “Dada, I’m scared…” Levi could feel his own heart ache just from seeing Liam so distraught and frightened, but he knew this had to be done. They’d taken Liam to get shots before, and he’d never been a big fan of them (what kid was?). The IV needle looked so much more intimidating than a regular shot needle, and Levi was worried that Liam wasn’t going to take this very well. “It’s okay,” Levi soothed. “Shh, baby. Just take a deep breath and count to three with me, yeah? It’ll be over so quick, you won’t even notice it!” Liam sucked in a deep breath, tears spilling over and down his cheeks as he whispered, “O-One…” Levi counted with him, still holding his arm with one hand and using the other to wipe away at the boy’s tears, “Two…” Liam opened his mouth to protest instead of saying the last number, but Levi continued before he could say anything that might delay the IV going in, “Three!” The nurse pushed the needle into his skin and the two began to work quickly to hook it up to the IV bag before taping it down to his arm. Liam cried out at the poke and burst into tears, wriggling in the bed to try and get away. Levi helped to hold him down until they were done, and the boy was already trying to pick at the tape holding the IV down when he let go. “Don’t touch it, baby,” Levi held his hand away from picking at it. “It’s gotta stay there, honey. It’s going to help you, okay?” Liam shook his head, big tears rolling down his cheeks, “I don’t like it!” “I know, baby,” Levi kissed the back of his hand and then his forehead, trying to wipe away the tears that were coming faster and faster. “Take some deep breaths with me. In, and out.” Liam sobbed and tried to take in deep breaths with Levi as the nurses cleaned up their supplies. Levi kissed his cheeks and whispered soothing things to him to calm him down in between their deep breathing exercise, and soon the tears were drying up and Liam, though displeased by the situation, was feeling somewhat better. “You did such a good job, Liam!” Nurse Tori praised. “We have some stickers, do you want a dinosaur, a princess, a puppy, or kitty sticker?” Liam’s eyes lit up and he instantly cried out, “A kitty! Kitty sticker!” Liam had been obsessed with cats lately since his school had taken the kids on a field trip to a farm where they had just had a new litter of kittens. Levi’s heart nearly melted when the nurse handed his son a kitten sticker and Liam immediately turned to show it to his father. “Dada look!” He exclaimed. “A kitty sticker!” “Wow, baby!” Levi beamed. “That’s so cool! Should we put it on your gown?” Liam was busy examining the kitty sticker, but he shook his head, “Nah uh. I wanna save it to show Papa and Livy!” Levi nodded and leaned over to kiss the top of Liam’s head, thanking the nurses as they packed up to leave, “Thank you. Can you thank the nurses, Liam? They’re getting ready to leave.” Liam had seemingly forgot how upset he’d been a minute ago when the nurses had put a needle in his arm, because he waved at them cheerfully, “Tank you! Bye bye!” The nurses said their ‘you’re welcomes’ and waved back cheerfully at the little one before wheeling their supplies out of the room. Liam was still looking at his kitty sticker, tracing the cat with his finger and giggling happily. Levi was wondering what else they were planning to do to his little boy. He knew it was necessary to find out what was wrong with Liam, what had caused his seizure, but he still didn’t like having to watch Liam go through all this. Levi looked down at his phone to see a text from Erwin: Levi texted back: “Are you texting Papa?” Liam asked, holding up the sticker. “Did you tell him ‘bout my kitty sticker?” Levi couldn’t help but chuckle a little at that, “Yes, baby. And I’ll tell him, don’t worry.” Liam kicked his legs happily and held it out to Levi, “Will you keep it so I don’t get it lost?” Levi nodded and took the sticker, putting it in his jacket pocket, “Of course, honey. I’ll keep it in my pocket right here. Safe and sound.” Liam looked satisfied with that, and laid back on the bed, trying to get comfortable. He whimpered after a moment before looking up at his father, “Dada… you cuddle me?” Levi smiled sadly and climbed onto the hospital bed, thankful that they were both small so they could fit comfortably next to one another. He let Liam snuggle up to his chest, rubbing his back soothingly as they waited for the next step of their hospital journey. “Papa!” Liam cheered when his father and sister entered the room. “Livy!” “Hi honey!” Erwin smiled, and Liv was holding two balloons, clinging tightly to the strings in her fist. One was a blue heart, the other a circular balloon that said get well soon on it. Levi smiled at the sight of the two, and Erwin encouraged Liv to go give her brother the balloons. She looked nervous, as though she didn’t like the hospital, and Levi supposed it was probably a lot for a little one to take in. But she walked over to her brother and held out the strings to him, and he giggled excitedly and took them from her, tugging down the balloons to start batting at them playfully like a cat. “Tank you, Livy,” Liam murmured. “I love bloons.” They had run several tests on Liam the night before, and insisted the boy stay the night so that they could wait for the results before sending him home. They’d given them blankets and pillows so Levi could curl up next to his son on the bed and they could sleep while they waited. Of course, Levi had kept Erwin updated the entire time, and told him he should come visit in the morning so that they could leave the hospital as a family once they’d gotten the test results. Levi took the strings and tied them to the hospital bed so they wouldn’t fly away, even if the ceiling wasn’t all that high to begin with. Erwin came and sat at his son’s bedside, cupping his cheek and stroking his thumb over the toddler’s skin. “How are you feeling, Liam?” He asked. “I’m so glad to see you’re getting better.” Olivia circled the bed and struggled to climb up on the other side, and Levi helped place her on the other side of her brother. Olivia snuggled up to her brother, taking one of his hands into her own and holding it tight. “I’m good,” Liam replied, tearing his gaze away from his father to focus on Liv, who was absentmindedly playing with his fingers. “You scared me,” Olivia frowned. “…I thought you were dying…” Liam hugged onto his sister, “Nah uh. I’m not dyin’. Don’t be scared…” Erwin was stroking Liam’s hair out of his face, and Liv whimpered when she saw the IV drip in his arm, “What’s that? Does it hurt?” Levi was worried that reminding Liam of how the needle had poked him would make him cry again, but the little boy put on a brave face and shook his head, “No… the nurse said… she said it’s helping my body.” “Oh,” Olivia reached out her hand to touch it before stopping and pulling her hand away. “It looks like it hurt.” “Liam was so brave,” Levi chimed in. “He was so good while they were running tests on him. Weren’t you, baby?” Liam puffed out his chest and nodded proudly, “Yeah! I barely cried at all!” Erwin smiled and ruffled his hair, “That’s my boy. You did such a good job, sweetheart.” Olivia leaned her head on his shoulder, “I woulda cried… I don’t like the doctors. It’s scary.” “It’s not dat scary,” Liam insisted. “You can be brave too Livy.” Liam’s face lit up as he suddenly remembered, “Oh yeah! Dada, I wanna show Livy and Papa my kitty sticker!” Levi checked his pocket and pulled out the sticker, giving it back to Liam so he could show his sister and father. He held it up proudly, “The nurse gived dis to me, look!” Livy instantly looked jealous, pouting, “Awww, I want a sticker!” Erwin chuckled at his daughter for a moment before taking the sticker from Liam and pretending to examine it thoroughly, “Wow. That’s a really cool sticker, Liam.” He handed it back, Liam looking thoroughly excited at the approval from his Papa. He handed it back to Levi for safekeeping, and Levi tucked it back into his pocket. He was about to tell Olivia that she would get a sticker the next time they went for a check-up, when the doctor entered the room. Erwin peered over at the woman before getting up and holding his hand out to introduce himself, ever the social butterfly. “Hi, I’m Erwin Smith, Liam’s father,” he greeted. “Hi there Mr. Smith,” the doctor replied with a smile. “I’m Dr. Foster. I have the results of your son’s tests, but I… I was hoping to speak to you and your husband out in the hallway.” Levi’s heart sunk into his stomach, and he exchanged a worried look with Erwin. If Liam’s tests had come out okay, then there would’ve been no reason for them to speak in private with the doctor. Something must be wrong, Levi thought to himself. He was hoping it wasn’t too terrible. Maybe they’d have to stay for a couple of days or something - maybe Liam had gotten sick. “Of course,” Erwin replied, turning to the children. “Don’t touch the machines, kids. We’ll be right back.” Levi got up and followed Erwin and Dr. Foster into the hallway, taking Erwin’s hand into his own for comfort. He was growing increasingly anxious with each step, concerned about what the doctor was going to tell them. “So we ran your son’s tests,” Dr. Foster explained once the door was closed. “And I’m sorry to inform you that he has quite a large tumor in his brain. He has ependymoma, and the tumor is fairly aggressive, meaning it cannot be removed.” Levi’s whole world collapsed in that moment. Whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t that. Large tumor… brain… aggressive… cannot be removed… These words flowed in and out of his head until they finally registered properly. He was feeling sick to his stomach, and suddenly his legs were falling out from under him. This couldn’t be happening. “Levi!” Erwin gasped as he tried to hold Levi up, but it was far too late. Levi was already losing it. He’d been calm the entire time that his son had been seizing in their home, the entire ambulance and hospital stay, but now? How could he stay calm now that he knew what was wrong with his son, and what was wrong was so horrible? “No,” Levi whispered, his heart beating out of his chest. “It can’t be true… it can’t be…” Erwin kneeled at his side, wrapping an arm around him and helping him to his feet. Levi couldn’t even feel his legs, but he was standing again at Erwin’s side, listening as the doctor apologized again and began to explain what they could do for Liam. “The best treatment for this is chemo or radiation therapy,” Dr. Foster continued. “But for someone as young as your son the… the outlook isn’t very bright. We’ll do everything we can but… I want you to both be prepared for that possibility.” Erwin was surprisingly calm, though Levi could see the pain behind his eyes. Erwin was always so well put-together, even in a horrible situation like this one. He was nodding at the doctor’s words, trying to take in as much information as he could. Levi had to hide his face in Erwin’s arm, feeling incredibly stupid for being so emotional as tears came rushing down his face. He was scared. He didn’t want to lose his baby. The waves of grief rolled over him as his heart pounded painfully in his chest. He couldn’t even listen to what the doctor was saying anymore. He couldn’t focus. Each breath he took pierced his lungs. He felt like everything was falling apart around him. “I’ll leave you two a moment to process while I go check on Liam, alright?” Dr. Foster gave them a sad smile. Erwin nodded, watching the doctor re-enter the room before he turned to Levi and pulled him into a hug. Levi was already a crying mess. He was shaking with sobs as Erwin tried to comfort him while going through his own grief. “My baby,” Levi whimpered tearfully, the pain tearing at his chest. “Not my baby.” Erwin took Levi’s face into his hands and lifted it so they were looking at one another. He’d never seen Erwin so pained in his life, not even when his father had had that heart attack near Christmas (he’d recovered, but Erwin had been beside himself with worry). “Levi,” he whispered, stroking Levi’s cheeks with his thumbs. “We have to be strong, okay? We can’t let Liam and Liv know what’s going on. We’ll… We’ll tell them Liam is ill, but we can’t tell them that he’s going to… to die…” Levi sobbed at that word. Die. Liam was going to die. He couldn’t even process it. But he knew what Erwin was saying was right. He knew they needed to be responsible parents and take care of their kids in the best way they could. “God…” Erwin sighed, pulling Levi in closer and resting their foreheads together. “God… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry, honey.” His voice was getting shaky, and Levi could hear him taking in deep breaths to try and keep calm, though Levi wasn’t sure how he was doing it. He also wasn’t sure why Erwin was apologizing. Maybe just for the sake of apologizing? It wasn’t anyone’s fault what was happening to their son, but it did help to hear someone say ‘sorry’ for it all. “Erwin,” Levi wept. “I can’t go back in there… I can’t…” “Baby, we have to,” Erwin murmured. “We have to go back in there… just… take some deep breaths. We’ll… We’ll have to grieve when we’re alone, back at home.” Back at home… Levi was just now working out in his head that they would likely have to leave Liam at the hospital by himself, and that fact was just as heartbreaking to him in the moment. He didn’t want his son to be alone in a big scary place like this… Liam liked cuddles and was afraid of the dark. How would he cope without Levi there to quell his fears? “I’m not leaving him here,” Levi sniffled, trying to wipe away his tears as he pulled away from Erwin. “Not all by himself, I… I can’t…” “Levi,” Erwin spoke more sternly this time, taking Levi by the shoulders. “We have to do what’s best for our son. And… And what’s best for him right now is whatever the doctors tell us. So let’s just take things one step at a time, okay? We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” Levi nodded tearfully, and Erwin wiped away some of his own tears as he sucked in a deep breath, “Okay, now let’s calm down and go look after our kids.” Levi sniveled and rubbed his eyes on his sleeves. He was sure he looked like a mess, but he’d never cried in front of his children, so they likely wouldn’t notice that their father had been crying. He took Erwin’s hand and let him lead them both back towards the room, a growing numbness taking over Levi with each step he took.
Chapter 1: numb
Podfic:
Chapter Files
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Chapter 1
00:41:57
57.6 MB
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Chapter 2
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Chapter 3
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Chapter 4
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Chapter 5
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